KMDD is a switchy rope lover, photographer and kinky smut creator. She’s an ardent self-suspender, having learned to tie herself after falling in love with bondage as a model.

Wicked Wren [00:00:18] Welcome to the Shibari Study podcast. I'm your host Wicked Wren today. My guest is KissMeDeadlyDoll. Doll has been involved in New York's rope scene for over ten years. She's taught internationally. She's an avid self-tyer and as a photographer, she creates some of the weirdest, most ethereal photos I've ever seen. Doll, I'm so happy you're here.

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:00:42] I'm so flattered. Thank you so much for having me.

Wicked Wren [00:00:46] You're welcome. So I know something about you that is fascinating. You went to fashion school, right?

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:00:55] Indeed, I did. I like to call it the root of all evil.

Wicked Wren [00:01:02] Did you say it's the root of all evil?

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:01:03] Yeah. I have, like, tattoos based on it. Like, all my tattoos are based on it, and I call them the root of all evil.

Wicked Wren [00:01:11] What are your tattoos?

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:01:13] One is a dress form. The other is kind of a gothic sewing needle that people often think is like a wizard wand, but it's not. It's a sewing needle. The other one is like a shoe lass so that's fun. Yeah.

Wicked Wren [00:01:29] What were like some of the things that you made?

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:01:34] I've made it all. All kinds of things. Like I started an apparel with, like, a specialty in tailoring. So, like, I did a lot of coats and, like, suiting. And I have a fascination with corsets because I like being crushed and suffocated. But, you know, that's like a whole other thing.

Wicked Wren [00:01:55] Do you think that maybe you got into corset-making things because of your (…) interests?

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:02:03] Oh, most definitely. Most definitely. I have like such a fantasy when I was growing up about like, well, it's probably not appropriate to talk about here, but it definitely had things to do with corsets and like not being able to breathe very well and that kind of like tight bondage feel and then like of course, getting off. So there is that kind of stuff.

Wicked Wren [00:02:28] I love it.

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:02:29] Yes.

Wicked Wren [00:02:29] Do you remember the first time you saw that?

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:02:32] I mean, I can't really think of like a movie or any kind of thing like that, but I definitely read my mom's, like, dirty graphic novels from the seventies, which were all very much kind of fourth fantasy damsel, like inappropriate 70 things. So, yeah.

Wicked Wren [00:02:55] Does your mom know that now?

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:02:58] I don't know if she does, cause I would kind of sneak them into my bedroom.

Wicked Wren [00:03:04] I love that. I know that you got into rope the same way most of us do where you went to a club, and then you saw it happening, and you're like, Wow, I want to do that, right?

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:03:15] Yeah, exactly. That was, it was like an epiphany. You know, sometimes when you just see something and you're like, Oh, this is what I've been searching for in my entire life. That was like me for rope. Not as a top, but like more as a bottom. Like, I just saw it and I was like, I want to be in that. I want someone to do that to me.

Wicked Wren [00:03:37] Yeah. You started tying yourself, right?

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:03:40] I did. At that particular time, when I was starting to explore stuff, I didn't have a partner that knew how to tie, and I wasn't all that interested in tying with any of the people that were in the scene doing rope at that time in New York. So I was like, okay, I'm going to figure out how to do this on myself.

Wicked Wren [00:04:00] When you look back at that time, what were some of the resources that were available, you know, to learn from?

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:04:06] Uph. Not many. Not many. We're definitely very fortunate to have sources like Shibari Study. Not to like drop the name here, but uhh - 

Wicked Wren [00:04:22] I mean they're paying for the thing so... 

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:04:25] Totally. There is maybe a few tutorials on YouTube which looking back on, weren't necessarily things I would recommend today. And I was fortunate to find a little rope share that this person was hosting and I would go and this girl would kind of practice on me just like simple floor stuff. And then I would come home and try to remember and like recreate it on myself. So that was also a way that I started doing stuff.

Wicked Wren [00:04:56] And looking back at that time ten years ago, learning. What do you think you tell yourself that you know now?

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:05:05] Hmm. Like most people who tie themselves, I was very eager to be suspended because that's like the fun part, in my opinion. As a self-suspender. And yeah, I probably did a lot of stupid things that were not necessarily safe that I would probably not recommend now. But you know, sometimes we take chances with ourselves and sometimes very stupid things and we learn from them.

Wicked Wren [00:05:35] That's such a common thing in rope bondage. You get excited, then you have a lot of experiences very quickly. What are some things that you think we can do to kind of educate, you know, people that are just getting into the scene? You go out and you're saying yes to a lot of things without really knowing all the implied power dynamics.

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:05:56] Totally. It's hard. Of course, location plays a big part in that because I think those of us who do live in big cities and maybe there's a little bit more of a scene there that you can find and maybe go to like a jam or a share or some kind of class first and be like in a public setting. There is definitely an advantage to that. But of course, if you're in more rural areas where you have less access to those kind of things, it can definitely be hard. And (sighing).

Wicked Wren [00:06:29] It's a really hard problem to solve.

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:06:30] For sure. Looking back on the way I used to be, I would say like take more time to have coffee with someone or like meet in a public setting first to get a feel for them before being like, Yeah, I'm going to come to your house and you're going to tie me up. Yeah, all right. But of course, there's never any guarantee or also ask if you can bring a friend with you that can like, come and watch. If someone has good intentions, that shouldn't be an issue.

Wicked Wren [00:07:02] Yeah.

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:07:03] If I was seeing someone for the first time and they were like, Hey, can I bring my partner with, I'd be like, Yeah, sure. Then come watch. Totally chill.

Wicked Wren [00:07:10] So much of rope bondage is on the internet now. It gives us kind of a false sense of security with seeing the same people over and over in the same photos. How have you seen the internet kind of change role bondage since you've been in it?

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:07:25] Uh, uhm... Yeah, it's really changed a lot. I mean, I think I started sharing stuff more on Tumblr in the Tumblr days, which is like the Wild West of social media. And then moving to Instagram was so different because there is so many more rules and restrictions. Yeah, and at first it was fun because we could share more and now it's just getting harder and harder and rope has become so much more... Hip. And I don't know if that's a good word, but it's kind of like a trend, right? And so people see it and they don't always understand the risk that's involved with it. Or sometimes when people are in pain and they're processing, they do look very ethereal and like otherworldly. Relaxed. But it's like, no, they were trying to breathe at that moment. So I think people don't always realize how intense it can be. It doesn't have to be, but like sometimes it is.

Wicked Wren [00:08:36] Yeah. I really like what you said, that there's these factors that are in juxtaposition between what's actually happening. How do you find your photos are differing between sessions that are more aesthetically based and then sessions that are more about connection and rope and things like that?

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:08:55] Mm-hmm. I don't do a lot of the tying for photos kind of thing. Most of the stuff I post are either from private sessions, and that's still more focused on the person's experience that I provide. And if I can step out to snap a photo, I will. Doesn't always happen. Like, really depends on the person and how things are going. And then with the partners I tie, that's a little more like low-key. Maybe I have a little more time to set up some kind of lighting or some kind of vibe because I tie with them all the time and I know a little bit more like what they can take. And I know I trust that they can communicate with me in those moments. And it takes,well , it takes me a while to build up that kind of trust with someone where I feel like confident in their communication skills. Yeah. And I just trust them. And then we have lots of fun.

Wicked Wren [00:10:00] Yeah. You know, you said it takes time.

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:10:02] Mm hmm.

Wicked Wren [00:10:03] That's really, really important. Figuring out that you don't have to do everything on session number one.

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:10:09] Totally. And it's also nice to, like, have sessions where there are no photos, and it's just, like, very focused. I've always been so photography-based. I would even venture to say it's a little bit part of my (…) because it was like part of how I explore (…) and explore myself. So I like it being a part of it.

Wicked Wren [00:10:35] I love that. Looking through your Instagram, you have so many photos and so many videos. You know, you have like I think, over 1300 photos on Instagram. What haven't you done that you want to do?

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:10:52] Mm. I guess when I think of photos, I have less interest in creating like rope photos per say and more just interested in creating scenes or like fantasies. I'm really into like, exploring lighting. I love playing with lighting and I'm doing more video stuff these days, which is also interesting and so much harder. But yeah, like for rope stuff, I'm not really trying to create this big art statement. I just want to like, capture the person's experience when they're in the moment.

Wicked Wren [00:11:29] Well, it's so funny because the way you tie is just so fun. You like muster the bottom and you make sounds and you're goofy and we laugh. And it is really hard to represent that in photos. So I have a question.

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:11:44] Okay.

Wicked Wren [00:11:45] When you're a self tying, it is hard to replicate the same things other people can do to you, maybe in degrees of pain or pushing yourself. How do you get around that? How do you do the same thing that other people can do to you?

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:12:04] I mean, I guess it depends on if that's the experience you're trying to give yourself as a person that's a self-suspender. I mean, I know a lot of people self-suspend for different reasons. My reason is definitely because I'm a masochist and I like to suffer. For me, self-suspension is partially making it hurt and pushing my endurance level. So like, how long can I go? How many kind of transitions and shapes can I make? Can I figure out a way to, like, get all the way to the floor without having to stand up? Can I tie something while I'm already suspended for the next move instead of like, tying it on the ground? But then also giving yourself those moments where you can be like, Oh, this position is hard, and I'm just going to twist into it to make myself sit there for a minute. Those are the kind of things I think about.

Wicked Wren [00:13:07] Do you find that you test yourself in other ways, too? Like, do you have any hobbies that you like to test your endurance maybe with or fresh air?

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:13:17] I love the feeling when you finish something and you're like, Damn, I survived. That was really hard and I made it. That's the feeling I want to have after. It's like, Wow, I survived that. That was awesome. I recently started doing HIIT workouts because I'm a masochist.

Wicked Wren [00:13:41] Oh, I wonder how many people in HIIT workouts are actually masochists. I just don't know.

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:13:47] Yo, I think so many. Cause HIIT workouts are like the (…) worst.

Wicked Wren [00:13:52] They're very bad.

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:13:54] They're so bad.

Wicked Wren [00:13:56] I feel the same thing about, like, hikers and things because the thing I really like is the food after the hike or the beer after the hike. That's awesome to me.

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:14:06] Right?

Wicked Wren [00:14:06] Yeah, that's my issue with self-suspending as I never feel like I can do the things to myself that other people do to me.

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:14:14] Yeah, it's definitely harder. I don't bottom so much anymore, but sometimes I feel like I can do meaner things to myself than other people will do to me. Yeah.

Wicked Wren [00:14:29] Is there anything you have coming up they're excited about?

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:14:34] Oh, I do have a trip. I think you think you already know.  I'm going to go to San Francisco this year for Folsom, so I'll be hanging out and then I'm going to go down to L.A. for a couple of weeks and hopefully work on some fun, dirty things.

Wicked Wren [00:14:51] We cannot wait to see. What you make your brain is is amazing, right?

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:14:58] Is it?

Wicked Wren [00:14:58] It is. It's verified. Amazing. Your Instagram is KissMeDeadlyDoll, your Twitter is KissMeDeadlyDol with one L. Is there nowhere else?

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:15:08] My website link is on Instagram where you can find all my other other other stuff.

Wicked Wren [00:15:15] That's what the people want. They want the other other.

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:15:17] You know, I mean, I'm always like, you should check it out because like, it is like pretty hot.

Wicked Wren [00:15:24] Link trees is like, This is a sensitive link. And I'm like, I know what I'm doing.

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:15:28] You're like, No (…). That's what I'm here for.

Wicked Wren [00:15:32] Thank you so much for being on and yeah, I can't wait to see you and talk to you too.

KissMeDeadlyDoll [00:15:40] Thank you for having me. Bye.